How do I live knowing I'm a bastard?

I think you should be a serial killer. Many serial killers had abusive childhoods and hate their parents. In fact, many serial killers got started with their parents. Being a serial killer would make you famous. You wouldn't have to worry about getting caught, because you want to get caught to be famous. In prison you'd probably be housed in a protected block where the rapists, child molesters and gang snitches live, and you'd get three hots and a cot and plenty of activities, which seems to be a notch up your current lifestyle. Chances are you won't be put to death, and even if you are, you'll take a good 15 or 20 years to exhaust all your appeals and in that time you can sell your paintings and publish a book about your innocence and write to thousands of diehard fans. And there's probably no heaven or hell anyway. Shoot me an e-mail sometime and I'll give you my serial killer essentials course for only $599+tax. You're going to need it - for example, do you know exactly what kind of bleach will wipe out all traces of a murder, even DNA?